The Housewife's Handbook

Awhile back in my travels I came across a “Housewife’s Handbook” of sorts. It was a book which contained Handy “in-a-pinch” cures and helpful hints for around the household. Curious to see what sorts of things it would help me with, I sat down and started reading. After a few pages, I found that while some of these Household Helpers were actually good advice that I use to this day, some of them were making me giggle….Hard…and often I caught myself staring into it’s pages thinking “Who the Hell wrote this shit?!”
So, now I would like to share with you some not-so-helpful tips and hints that I have found…along with my own thoughts on the matter.

1)Protect your infant and toddler from sharp corners by taping Maxi Pads to your tables, counters, cabinets, and other pieces of furniture.
Thoughts: I would never in my right mind tape maxi pads to my furniture and act as if that was the cool thing to do. Not to mention the look on my visiting grandfather’s face as he realized he was surrounded by Feminine Protection.

2) When breastfeeding, Apply cherry flavored chapstick to your nipples to prevent soreness and cracking. Babies also seem to like the cherry taste, and will feed for a longer period of time.
Thoughts: If you know any Men or Adolescent Boys who have a serious fascination for big breasted women and cherry chapstick….this is the cause.

3) To prevent Chafing, spray Pam Cooking Spray between your thighs or wherever your skin rubs against itself.
Thoughts: Holy Hell…..Spraying Pam cooking spray in between your thighs may cause Chafing elsewhere….Am I right?!

4)To prevent dust allergens, wrap your mattress and pillows in Trash Bags and seal with Packaging Tape.
Thoughts: Nothing gets me in the mood faster than the sound of garbage bags crinkling ALL NIGHT!

5)For Arthritis, empty a bottle of Yellow Mustard into a bath tub full of warm water and soak yourself in it for 15 minutes.
Thoughts:…..No….No I will not do that…..I cant even begin to explain how dirty I would feel after doing this.

6)For cleaning the caulking in your showers and tubs, pour vodka into a spray bottle, spray the dirty caulking, and let sit for 5 minutes. The vodka kills the molds and mildew.
Thoughts: I can think of better things to do with Vodka and 5 minutes.

7)Using Budweiser and Dental floss, Tie a loop of floss around the pull tab of and open Budweiser beer can and Hang from branches on the outskirts of your yard. Bees love beer and they will drown in the can.
Thoughts: Yes…Hanging Beers can from your tree branches must be a nice touch to any Home and Yard Décor. Especially hanging it with dental floss….Classy.

8)Eating York peppermint Patties will clear up your stuffy nose when you have a cold.
Thoughts: This is clearly some woman’s way to make an excuse to eat more peppermint patties.

9)To relieve a Bad Cough: Mix ½ cup apple cider vinegar, One teaspoon Tabasco Pepper Sauce, And Four teaspoons of Honey. Swallow one Tablespoon of the mixture at Bedtime and then any time your cough acts up.
Thoughts: Don’t you think for one minute I would put that in my mouth…..Ever! I don’t care if it cures Bubonic Plague! I’m not eating that shit!

10) When you don’t have hairspray available to you, pour Beer into a spray bottle and spritz your hair lightly. The Stickiness of the beer will hold your hair in Place.
Thoughts: I am not nearly as white Trash as I need to be to try this one out.