The Party

After weeks of planning and random trips to Walmart, the time of The Girl’s 6th birthday party was offically here. Now, I know how these things work…since the kids have lived with us, I have thrown The girl her 4th and 5th and now 6th birthday party. I am no stranger to the stress of invitations, the gifts, the decorations, colter’s angry question of “You need how much more money?!”, and the inevitable fact that one child will eventually have a sugar crash freakout session. The difference this year was that the party was going to be a surprise….Shhh….seems easy enough, yea?
So I woke up Saturday morning (after problematically over-sleeping) to a house….trashed. Colter was making the kids breakfast (creating dishes in the sink), the children were coloring in books on the table in their PJ‘s, crayon wrappers and markers littered the floor, toys were flung from one end of the house to the other, someone’s dirty towel lay soaking wet on the bathroom floor along with a pair of men’s underwear….presumably not clean underwear. A towel used to dry the dog the night before was in the middle of the living room floor and the playroom looked like an atom bomb went off…..awesome. I now had 4 hours to get everyone washed, dressed, two of them out the door, clean up the house, bake a cake, decorate the house, and pray that everyone showed up in time to pull this thing off. Aaaand…… Go.
So, first things first…birthday girl….dressed. Run downstairs, pick out an outfit…jeans and a nice blouse….throw it on her bed…. “Girl! Come get dressed please”. Run upstairs, go into The Boy’s room, grab an outfit…jeans and a light up spider man shirt….party-tastic! Come back down the hall to my bedroom and look for my towel. Grab it, go into the bathroom, take a shower (quickly), run into my room and search for some pants…pants…pants….WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY PANTS!?…oh there they are….awesome. Then Colter walks in “Hey hun….how long do I have to be gone with her?”…. “well sweetheart, I cant start a damn thing until you two leave and I don’t care what you do as long as you’re back here by 1:00pm”….. “Oh, then should we like get ready to leave?”….. “Yea, that’d be nice Cuz I have to bake a cake and then it has to cool before I frost it” I pull a shirt over my head and plug in the hair straightener (or flat iron). Colt walks out to his truck and starts it. The girl comes back up the steps “Where’s Daddy going?” …. “He’s going out to run errands…you’re going too.” I throw a hair elastic in her hair to make something that resembles a ponytail…its raining…she’ll need her rain poncho…Run downstairs, open her closet, search for poncho….got it…run back upstairs “WHOSE DIRTY UNDIES ARE ON THE STAIRS?!” (they look a lot like the dirty undies that were just on the bathroom floor) hand Lilly her poncho, kiss colter goodbye, and they leave.
Now it’s just me and The Boy. Alright…game plan…preheat oven, throw cake in oven, clean house while cake bakes, decorate house while cake cools, at some point do my hair and make-up, frost cake, yell “SURPRISE”….Good plan. Grab boxes of cake mix….two boxes…big cake…I need 6 eggs…NO…6 egg whites. 6 egg whites, 2 and 2/3 cup water, and about 4 tablespoons of Veggie Oil. Cake mix goes into the bowl, grab the eggs, open the box, only 5 eggs in the box….laaaame….grab the other box of eggs and take out one egg, put it back in the fridge. Now, for the awesome task of separating 6 eggs. Crack 1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6 eggs and separate…oops…piece of shell in the batter…get that out. “Mumma….Mum…Mom…Mumma”…it starts… “yes?”…. “Mom, can you turn my transformer back into a car?”…. “No I can not.”…. “Mumma Can I make the cake?”…. “No, I’d rather just do it cuz im kinda in a hurry.”…. “Mumma! Can I lick the mixer and the bowl?”…. “Can I finish putting everything in the bowl first?”……. “Why do you not know how to make my transformer into a Car?”…. “Because I am simply not that cool, can I finish this?” He wanders off into another room. Okay…Oil…tablespoons…1, 2, 3, 4, alright….what’s next? Water? Water. Measuring cup…go to the drawer grab the measuring cup…where is it? Hmm…just used it last night…perhaps its in the cabinets? Nope…in the sink?…Nope, not there either…WHERE IS IT?! Search entire kitchen…not there. Did I throw it out on accident?! Slightly pick through trash….nope not there…have a measuring cup that measures in fluid ounces…I’ll use that….okay, 1 cup equals 8 fluid ounces…but what’s 2/3 cup equal to?! Ummm…okay…that’s like a little over a half…okay so…16 plus like 5...so like21 ounces…..21 ounces of flour…okay…No! I need water not Flour….okay….grab the ounces measuring cup and walk to the cabinet where I keep the flour…grab flour, throw it on the table next to the mixing bowl…open it and stuff measuring cup in…21 ounces…21 ounces of flour…NO YOU NEED WATER YOU ASS….*Clank*…what the hell was that?…look in flour bag…original missing measuring cup is in it….grab measuring cup…measure out 2 and 2/3 cup of water…pour into batter…mix…pour into 13x9 baking pan…toss in oven…we’re golden…toss bowl and whisk into sink. Grab a cup of coffee…you’re losin’ your nerve kid…take a long slow drag from the rum of your mug…Mmm…coffee….take a deep breath….*sssssip*….
Okay, Cakes in the oven for 35 minutes….time to clean. Run into The Boys room…into his extra closet (I dunno…for some reason his room has two)…grab the Vacuum. Drag it into the living room, turn it on, spray it down…febreeze…Don’t spray counches. Too much febreeze that way. Go into laundry room, grab Bounce dryer sheet, rub couches down with dryer sheet….Nice touch. Run downstairs to the play room…total mess…Move everything off to the side…vacuum carpet… “Boy! Come help me clean up this playroom!”….. “But Maaaa! I want you to turn my transformer back into a car!!” ….. “I cant do that! Please come help me”…he comes downstairs “Can I lick the bowl?”…. “what?” …. “The bowl from the cake. can I lick it?”….. “I put it in the sink to soak already. Im sorry, buddy.”…. “WHY DIDJU DO THAT?!”…. “I said I’m sorry! You’re gonna have cake and party snacks as soon as I’m done cleaning this disaster I didn’t create.” (and that’s what its all about, isn’t it? Picking up messes…that you didn’t make)
Okay! Playroom’s clean, run back upstairs, dirty towel used to dry off dog still in living room….uhh….shove it under the loveseat…works for me! *beep*beep* CAKE’S DONE! Take cake out….Open door, Lindsay is here to help! YAY. Guests will arrive in less than 2 hours and counting…..uhh…Hair and make-up! Run into my room grab hair straightener and attack my bangs…one piece won’t stay still….won’t stay still….I SAID STAY STILL….ugh….HAIRSPRAY….easy kid…take another sip off your coffee….Mmm…that’s right…coffee.
Hair is done…time to flip cake out of cake pan…13x9.…that’ll be hard….run knife around cake’s edge….flip it over onto wire cooling rack….. DISASTER….bottom half of cake stays in pan….HOLY FUCK! I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!…think fast kid!!….SPATULA!…scrape bottom of cake off of 13x9.…place it on bottom of cake….lightly….good…place another wire rack on top of flipped cake and flip again….Good as new…sip your coffee…excellent. Let cool.
Go in my room to put on Make-up…see Dad’s vehicle pulling into my drive way….My father…Early?….first time for everything. Rest of Guests to arrive in 45 min….Party snacks…check…balloons…awesome…streamers…great…cake…FROSTED!
Guests arrive…all the guests arrive...Got nervous belly...might throw up…1pm….told Colter to be back at 1pm….1:15pm…No Colter….1:20pm….No Colter….1:25pm…Truck…yessss….Video Camera, ON…Pointed at door…everyone stand here, here she comes, aaaaand….SURPRISE!!


……Mission Accomplished.
　

The Housewife's Handbook

Awhile back in my travels I came across a “Housewife’s Handbook” of sorts. It was a book which contained Handy “in-a-pinch” cures and helpful hints for around the household. Curious to see what sorts of things it would help me with, I sat down and started reading. After a few pages, I found that while some of these Household Helpers were actually good advice that I use to this day, some of them were making me giggle….Hard…and often I caught myself staring into it’s pages thinking “Who the Hell wrote this shit?!”
So, now I would like to share with you some not-so-helpful tips and hints that I have found…along with my own thoughts on the matter.

1)Protect your infant and toddler from sharp corners by taping Maxi Pads to your tables, counters, cabinets, and other pieces of furniture.
Thoughts: I would never in my right mind tape maxi pads to my furniture and act as if that was the cool thing to do. Not to mention the look on my visiting grandfather’s face as he realized he was surrounded by Feminine Protection.

2) When breastfeeding, Apply cherry flavored chapstick to your nipples to prevent soreness and cracking. Babies also seem to like the cherry taste, and will feed for a longer period of time.
Thoughts: If you know any Men or Adolescent Boys who have a serious fascination for big breasted women and cherry chapstick….this is the cause.

3) To prevent Chafing, spray Pam Cooking Spray between your thighs or wherever your skin rubs against itself.
Thoughts: Holy Hell…..Spraying Pam cooking spray in between your thighs may cause Chafing elsewhere….Am I right?!

4)To prevent dust allergens, wrap your mattress and pillows in Trash Bags and seal with Packaging Tape.
Thoughts: Nothing gets me in the mood faster than the sound of garbage bags crinkling ALL NIGHT!

5)For Arthritis, empty a bottle of Yellow Mustard into a bath tub full of warm water and soak yourself in it for 15 minutes.
Thoughts:…..No….No I will not do that…..I cant even begin to explain how dirty I would feel after doing this.

6)For cleaning the caulking in your showers and tubs, pour vodka into a spray bottle, spray the dirty caulking, and let sit for 5 minutes. The vodka kills the molds and mildew.
Thoughts: I can think of better things to do with Vodka and 5 minutes.

7)Using Budweiser and Dental floss, Tie a loop of floss around the pull tab of and open Budweiser beer can and Hang from branches on the outskirts of your yard. Bees love beer and they will drown in the can.
Thoughts: Yes…Hanging Beers can from your tree branches must be a nice touch to any Home and Yard Décor. Especially hanging it with dental floss….Classy.

8)Eating York peppermint Patties will clear up your stuffy nose when you have a cold.
Thoughts: This is clearly some woman’s way to make an excuse to eat more peppermint patties.

9)To relieve a Bad Cough: Mix ½ cup apple cider vinegar, One teaspoon Tabasco Pepper Sauce, And Four teaspoons of Honey. Swallow one Tablespoon of the mixture at Bedtime and then any time your cough acts up.
Thoughts: Don’t you think for one minute I would put that in my mouth…..Ever! I don’t care if it cures Bubonic Plague! I’m not eating that shit!

10) When you don’t have hairspray available to you, pour Beer into a spray bottle and spritz your hair lightly. The Stickiness of the beer will hold your hair in Place.
Thoughts: I am not nearly as white Trash as I need to be to try this one out.
　

The Story of It All

The Beginning

My story begins back about 2 years ago in 2007, when I was Just a Deli Clerk working at the local Supermarket just like everyone else. When I say “Everyone Else”, I am referring to Winnisquam’s graduating class of 2006. You see, that’s what we all did. ….We graduated…and we went to work at one of the two major supermarkets in our area. Whether some of us were involved in college classes or we were simply working for Gas money and rent, the Supermarkets were indeed a haven for fresh meat in the big world.
So anyway, getting back to me….I was not one of the fortunate to be working and studying my way through college. No, that opportunity was crapped on by my irresponsibility months previous ago. I was enrolled at NHTI in the career field of Early Childhood Education, but several missed classes and outstanding balances later I found myself slicing Turkey and Cheese for an hourly wage. Not only that, but by luck and charm I had acquired a pleasant loft over somebody’s garage and called it home for myself and my feline companion Duncan. Although we lived alone in the loft, we were never lonely. My roaming teenage brother and his stoner friends would often stop by to watch my TV, sleep on my couch, and consume all of the Ramen Noodles and Saltine crackers I had purchased for the week. However, this lovely balance of Deli Meats and Stoner Friends would soon come to an abrupt and dizzying end, when change came into my life in the form of a squad car and a probation officer.
Upon returning home from work one sunny June day, I walked in through the door to the main part the house to find a Tall, freckle-faced, blue eyed, very dirty man standing in the kitchen with the lady who owned the house and her best friend. (later I found out that this “best friend” was this man’s mother…whom I stumbled around drunk in front of countless times, mumbling about how awesome I was, long before I met this man.) Anyway, getting back to things…. “Emily,” said the lady of the house, “This is Colter, he needs a place to stay for a bit so he will be moving into your room after you’ve moved out. But for now, he’s going to stay in the other upstairs room.”
I approached the young man and he stuck out one dirty hand. “Hi, I’m Colter…”, he said, staring at me with his bright blue eyes.
“Hi, I’m Emily….But you probably knew that because I’m apparently still wearing my name tag from work…..”I stuttered and laughed nervously at my smooth attempt at introduction.
After that awkward and magical moment, It was nothing but falling hopelessly in Love. We spent every waking moment together laughing, talking about his 3-legged canine companion Brittany, and making fun of his misfortune of having to wear a tracking device around his ankle and being in the house by 8pm every night. It was then my mother returned from her vacation in Florida, only to realize that her 19 year old daughter had fallen in love with a Convicted Felon…..but a charming convicted felon at that. I mean really….what else could a mother ask for?

After about a Month of endless happiness, I was told by Colter that his two children who were currently living in Pennsylvania with their Mother, were going to be staying with us on vacation for a few weeks. Unknown to the children’s mother, Colter was going to File for full custody of the children as soon as they were in his care. Curious as to how a Felon was about to manage this, I told him I would be more than delighted to meet his children and get to know them. Soon enough, two children were on the doorstep, excited to see their Father and his embrace. They were exactly what I was expecting them to be…Dirty and Loud. At 2 years old, Colter’s Son (whom I will call “The Boy”) was a complete copy of his Father…except with Diapers. He had bright red hair, freckles, huge blue eyes, and a belly laugh that could melt even the coldest of hearts. He also spoke through a series of hand gestures and grunts and would communicate with those who could understand his language. Colter’s Daughter (whom I will call “The Girl”)was also like himself but for different reasons. She was a 3 year old on a constant mission. She had wild untamed curly blonde hair, Blue eyes that seems to stare through everything, and an undying need to climb on everything and then laugh hysterically….and she loved dirt….lots and lots of Dirt.
Anyway, it wasn’t long before Colter found himself his own place for him and his children and asked me to move in and join his family. His favorite phrase at the time was “See, we have instant Family…Just add Emily and Shake” and I’ll admit we did seem to have the perfect life and I eventually became the Children’s Full-Time Nanny. And, like every other great Full-Time Nanny, I would read the children their bed time stories, help tuck them in, and then go have sex with their Father. Yes, I was a regular Mary Poppins…..Except I couldn’t jump into chalk drawings on sidewalks…..
Over the course of the time to come, we were a perfectly executed Family. Colter spent most of his time pleading his cases to a judge. He acquired temporary full custody of his children, managed to get off probation early, and woke up every morning to get to work and run his own tree service/ logging business. I on the other hand spent most of my days doing what I loved best….Coloring in coloring books and watching Disney movies. Plus, on the side I taught The Boy how to speak understood English, taught The Girl to write her name and master the alphabet, and potty trained everyone right out of their diapers. The Boy developed a habit of calling me “mom” and The Girl spent most of her time planning my demise along with her biological mother and the rest of her Kin. However, that is their story…not mine.
Finally, in July 2008, Colter was awarded Full Legal Custody of his Children and they were to stay and live with us under our care until the ripe old ages of 18, when they would become legal Adults. And that, My friends, is how it all started…….

The Events That Brought Me Here

So, now we are in the recent past to recall the Events that have brought me here to this point. And by “this point” I mean writing down my story for any wandering eye who happens to come across it. We begin again in the Early Spring of 2009.…

It was the very earliest weeks of May when I discovered that my life was about to flip completely upside down…..Because I was Pregnant. For the first time in my life I could honestly taste food, smell smells I never knew existed, vomit at the sight of melted cheese, and do nothing but stare at my beautiful firm breasts that sat like two proud monuments upon my chest. Plus, on an even happier twist of events, my older sister was also Pregnant and only a mere 4 weeks ahead of me. We were excited to know that we would experience the magic of pregnancy together over the coming months. Time passed as we swapped stories of food cravings, frequent exhaustion, horrid mood swings, and Vomiting. We talked of baby names, our hopes and feelings, and what we were to do after our babies were born. However…Fate, even at it’s kindest of times can be the cruelest.

After 3 months of whirlwind excitement, I awoke one June morning to a feeling I had never known before. I felt…Different…as if my body was somewhat foreign to me. Later that day, I experienced what seemed like common pregnancy pains and spent a day with nothing but bed rest. The next day I woke with what I would call “Uncommon Pregnancy Pains” and quickly called my mother. (I could have called Colter or anyone else…but one will notice that in times of fear…it’s best to just call your Mom) My mom then made it from Downtown Concord to my doorstep in Belmont in exactly 15 minutes and rushed me to the closest Hospital. Colter met me there and after an ultrasound and many hours, we were told that there simply was no Heart beat and our baby had been given a new name…. “Product of Conception”. For those of you not familiar with that term, it is the name the doctors and midwives give your baby when it is no longer “Your Baby”. I was then sent home upon my request, to experience a difficult miscarriage in the comfort of my home and with the loving support of my Family.

It was Emotionally and physically painful….Yes. But the only thing you truly suffer from are your thoughts. Here, I thought that after years of taking care of children, that I had finally deserved to have a child of my own. I felt I was worthy and had proven myself many times over. I felt angry that nature had given me the greatest gift I had ever known, and then took it without even giving me a reason as to why. Plus, to make matters worse….my breasts resumed their normal size…..Tragic really.

However, life would eventually resume back to normal, My body and mind recovered, and I returned to do the thing that it seemed I was destined to do….Take Care of Other People’s Children.

The Present Day

These days much has changed. We finally broke the tradition of living in a Trailer and now live in a house with a downstairs, so that the children have their very own playroom. Duncan and Brittany are still just as loyal companions as ever, and we have even adopted a ginger tabby kitten who I have named Ollie. (I figured if I couldn’t have a baby then I might as well get a Kitten). The Children have grown much since the beginning of my story but have changed little. The Boy is still a round faced red head with bright blue eyes. Only now he is 4 years old, loves Dinosaurs and Robots, revels in his ability to ride a bike without training wheels, and speaks wisdom well beyond his years. (The trick is…you have to be willing to listen.) The Girl hasn’t changed much either. She is 5 years old, still has ragingly untamed hair that she refuses to brush or take care of, loves bugs, enjoys dirt, takes pleasure in smashing things, and has a fascination with princesses and ponies. Not only that, but she has started a great journey when she began Kindergarten this Fall…..May God Give Strength to that Poor Defenseless Kindergarten Teacher.