The Housewife's Handbook

Awhile back in my travels I came across a “Housewife’s Handbook” of sorts. It was a book which contained Handy “in-a-pinch” cures and helpful hints for around the household. Curious to see what sorts of things it would help me with, I sat down and started reading. After a few pages, I found that while some of these Household Helpers were actually good advice that I use to this day, some of them were making me giggle….Hard…and often I caught myself staring into it’s pages thinking “Who the Hell wrote this shit?!”
So, now I would like to share with you some not-so-helpful tips and hints that I have found…along with my own thoughts on the matter.

1)Protect your infant and toddler from sharp corners by taping Maxi Pads to your tables, counters, cabinets, and other pieces of furniture.
Thoughts: I would never in my right mind tape maxi pads to my furniture and act as if that was the cool thing to do. Not to mention the look on my visiting grandfather’s face as he realized he was surrounded by Feminine Protection.

2) When breastfeeding, Apply cherry flavored chapstick to your nipples to prevent soreness and cracking. Babies also seem to like the cherry taste, and will feed for a longer period of time.
Thoughts: If you know any Men or Adolescent Boys who have a serious fascination for big breasted women and cherry chapstick….this is the cause.

3) To prevent Chafing, spray Pam Cooking Spray between your thighs or wherever your skin rubs against itself.
Thoughts: Holy Hell…..Spraying Pam cooking spray in between your thighs may cause Chafing elsewhere….Am I right?!

4)To prevent dust allergens, wrap your mattress and pillows in Trash Bags and seal with Packaging Tape.
Thoughts: Nothing gets me in the mood faster than the sound of garbage bags crinkling ALL NIGHT!

5)For Arthritis, empty a bottle of Yellow Mustard into a bath tub full of warm water and soak yourself in it for 15 minutes.
Thoughts:…..No….No I will not do that…..I cant even begin to explain how dirty I would feel after doing this.

6)For cleaning the caulking in your showers and tubs, pour vodka into a spray bottle, spray the dirty caulking, and let sit for 5 minutes. The vodka kills the molds and mildew.
Thoughts: I can think of better things to do with Vodka and 5 minutes.

7)Using Budweiser and Dental floss, Tie a loop of floss around the pull tab of and open Budweiser beer can and Hang from branches on the outskirts of your yard. Bees love beer and they will drown in the can.
Thoughts: Yes…Hanging Beers can from your tree branches must be a nice touch to any Home and Yard Décor. Especially hanging it with dental floss….Classy.

8)Eating York peppermint Patties will clear up your stuffy nose when you have a cold.
Thoughts: This is clearly some woman’s way to make an excuse to eat more peppermint patties.

9)To relieve a Bad Cough: Mix ½ cup apple cider vinegar, One teaspoon Tabasco Pepper Sauce, And Four teaspoons of Honey. Swallow one Tablespoon of the mixture at Bedtime and then any time your cough acts up.
Thoughts: Don’t you think for one minute I would put that in my mouth…..Ever! I don’t care if it cures Bubonic Plague! I’m not eating that shit!

10) When you don’t have hairspray available to you, pour Beer into a spray bottle and spritz your hair lightly. The Stickiness of the beer will hold your hair in Place.
Thoughts: I am not nearly as white Trash as I need to be to try this one out.
　

The Story of It All

The Beginning

My story begins back about 2 years ago in 2007, when I was Just a Deli Clerk working at the local Supermarket just like everyone else. When I say “Everyone Else”, I am referring to Winnisquam’s graduating class of 2006. You see, that’s what we all did. ….We graduated…and we went to work at one of the two major supermarkets in our area. Whether some of us were involved in college classes or we were simply working for Gas money and rent, the Supermarkets were indeed a haven for fresh meat in the big world.
So anyway, getting back to me….I was not one of the fortunate to be working and studying my way through college. No, that opportunity was crapped on by my irresponsibility months previous ago. I was enrolled at NHTI in the career field of Early Childhood Education, but several missed classes and outstanding balances later I found myself slicing Turkey and Cheese for an hourly wage. Not only that, but by luck and charm I had acquired a pleasant loft over somebody’s garage and called it home for myself and my feline companion Duncan. Although we lived alone in the loft, we were never lonely. My roaming teenage brother and his stoner friends would often stop by to watch my TV, sleep on my couch, and consume all of the Ramen Noodles and Saltine crackers I had purchased for the week. However, this lovely balance of Deli Meats and Stoner Friends would soon come to an abrupt and dizzying end, when change came into my life in the form of a squad car and a probation officer.
Upon returning home from work one sunny June day, I walked in through the door to the main part the house to find a Tall, freckle-faced, blue eyed, very dirty man standing in the kitchen with the lady who owned the house and her best friend. (later I found out that this “best friend” was this man’s mother…whom I stumbled around drunk in front of countless times, mumbling about how awesome I was, long before I met this man.) Anyway, getting back to things…. “Emily,” said the lady of the house, “This is Colter, he needs a place to stay for a bit so he will be moving into your room after you’ve moved out. But for now, he’s going to stay in the other upstairs room.”
I approached the young man and he stuck out one dirty hand. “Hi, I’m Colter…”, he said, staring at me with his bright blue eyes.
“Hi, I’m Emily….But you probably knew that because I’m apparently still wearing my name tag from work…..”I stuttered and laughed nervously at my smooth attempt at introduction.
After that awkward and magical moment, It was nothing but falling hopelessly in Love. We spent every waking moment together laughing, talking about his 3-legged canine companion Brittany, and making fun of his misfortune of having to wear a tracking device around his ankle and being in the house by 8pm every night. It was then my mother returned from her vacation in Florida, only to realize that her 19 year old daughter had fallen in love with a Convicted Felon…..but a charming convicted felon at that. I mean really….what else could a mother ask for?

After about a Month of endless happiness, I was told by Colter that his two children who were currently living in Pennsylvania with their Mother, were going to be staying with us on vacation for a few weeks. Unknown to the children’s mother, Colter was going to File for full custody of the children as soon as they were in his care. Curious as to how a Felon was about to manage this, I told him I would be more than delighted to meet his children and get to know them. Soon enough, two children were on the doorstep, excited to see their Father and his embrace. They were exactly what I was expecting them to be…Dirty and Loud. At 2 years old, Colter’s Son (whom I will call “The Boy”) was a complete copy of his Father…except with Diapers. He had bright red hair, freckles, huge blue eyes, and a belly laugh that could melt even the coldest of hearts. He also spoke through a series of hand gestures and grunts and would communicate with those who could understand his language. Colter’s Daughter (whom I will call “The Girl”)was also like himself but for different reasons. She was a 3 year old on a constant mission. She had wild untamed curly blonde hair, Blue eyes that seems to stare through everything, and an undying need to climb on everything and then laugh hysterically….and she loved dirt….lots and lots of Dirt.
Anyway, it wasn’t long before Colter found himself his own place for him and his children and asked me to move in and join his family. His favorite phrase at the time was “See, we have instant Family…Just add Emily and Shake” and I’ll admit we did seem to have the perfect life and I eventually became the Children’s Full-Time Nanny. And, like every other great Full-Time Nanny, I would read the children their bed time stories, help tuck them in, and then go have sex with their Father. Yes, I was a regular Mary Poppins…..Except I couldn’t jump into chalk drawings on sidewalks…..
Over the course of the time to come, we were a perfectly executed Family. Colter spent most of his time pleading his cases to a judge. He acquired temporary full custody of his children, managed to get off probation early, and woke up every morning to get to work and run his own tree service/ logging business. I on the other hand spent most of my days doing what I loved best….Coloring in coloring books and watching Disney movies. Plus, on the side I taught The Boy how to speak understood English, taught The Girl to write her name and master the alphabet, and potty trained everyone right out of their diapers. The Boy developed a habit of calling me “mom” and The Girl spent most of her time planning my demise along with her biological mother and the rest of her Kin. However, that is their story…not mine.
Finally, in July 2008, Colter was awarded Full Legal Custody of his Children and they were to stay and live with us under our care until the ripe old ages of 18, when they would become legal Adults. And that, My friends, is how it all started…….

The Events That Brought Me Here

So, now we are in the recent past to recall the Events that have brought me here to this point. And by “this point” I mean writing down my story for any wandering eye who happens to come across it. We begin again in the Early Spring of 2009.…

It was the very earliest weeks of May when I discovered that my life was about to flip completely upside down…..Because I was Pregnant. For the first time in my life I could honestly taste food, smell smells I never knew existed, vomit at the sight of melted cheese, and do nothing but stare at my beautiful firm breasts that sat like two proud monuments upon my chest. Plus, on an even happier twist of events, my older sister was also Pregnant and only a mere 4 weeks ahead of me. We were excited to know that we would experience the magic of pregnancy together over the coming months. Time passed as we swapped stories of food cravings, frequent exhaustion, horrid mood swings, and Vomiting. We talked of baby names, our hopes and feelings, and what we were to do after our babies were born. However…Fate, even at it’s kindest of times can be the cruelest.

After 3 months of whirlwind excitement, I awoke one June morning to a feeling I had never known before. I felt…Different…as if my body was somewhat foreign to me. Later that day, I experienced what seemed like common pregnancy pains and spent a day with nothing but bed rest. The next day I woke with what I would call “Uncommon Pregnancy Pains” and quickly called my mother. (I could have called Colter or anyone else…but one will notice that in times of fear…it’s best to just call your Mom) My mom then made it from Downtown Concord to my doorstep in Belmont in exactly 15 minutes and rushed me to the closest Hospital. Colter met me there and after an ultrasound and many hours, we were told that there simply was no Heart beat and our baby had been given a new name…. “Product of Conception”. For those of you not familiar with that term, it is the name the doctors and midwives give your baby when it is no longer “Your Baby”. I was then sent home upon my request, to experience a difficult miscarriage in the comfort of my home and with the loving support of my Family.

It was Emotionally and physically painful….Yes. But the only thing you truly suffer from are your thoughts. Here, I thought that after years of taking care of children, that I had finally deserved to have a child of my own. I felt I was worthy and had proven myself many times over. I felt angry that nature had given me the greatest gift I had ever known, and then took it without even giving me a reason as to why. Plus, to make matters worse….my breasts resumed their normal size…..Tragic really.

However, life would eventually resume back to normal, My body and mind recovered, and I returned to do the thing that it seemed I was destined to do….Take Care of Other People’s Children.

The Present Day

These days much has changed. We finally broke the tradition of living in a Trailer and now live in a house with a downstairs, so that the children have their very own playroom. Duncan and Brittany are still just as loyal companions as ever, and we have even adopted a ginger tabby kitten who I have named Ollie. (I figured if I couldn’t have a baby then I might as well get a Kitten). The Children have grown much since the beginning of my story but have changed little. The Boy is still a round faced red head with bright blue eyes. Only now he is 4 years old, loves Dinosaurs and Robots, revels in his ability to ride a bike without training wheels, and speaks wisdom well beyond his years. (The trick is…you have to be willing to listen.) The Girl hasn’t changed much either. She is 5 years old, still has ragingly untamed hair that she refuses to brush or take care of, loves bugs, enjoys dirt, takes pleasure in smashing things, and has a fascination with princesses and ponies. Not only that, but she has started a great journey when she began Kindergarten this Fall…..May God Give Strength to that Poor Defenseless Kindergarten Teacher.